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Dreams are the children of our soul

"One day.."


I’ll get there. It might not be tomorrow or the next day but I will get there
-Jay Gatsby

Do i see the green light?

(via ch0c0latte)


Leo Tolstoy

i guess it’s good to have desires………hmm..


Leo Tolstoy

i guess it’s good to have desires………hmm..


(Source: ruinedchildhood, via death-by-lulz)

The best/worst/highest/lowest/biggest/smallest list

2 months of work experience under ma belt, here’s my list:

Lowest blood glucose: 0.06 mmol/L (pt overdosed on insulin intentionally, probably died.  If you want to kill yourself, this is the way to go. Wrist cutting is for attention.)

Biggest hydrocele: the size of a watermelon, hanging down to his knees.

Highest lactate: 10.0 (she died 8 hrs later, on my shift, alone.)

Darkest vomit: black, projectile

Highest blood alcohol level: 76 (i’m sure this will change)

Fastest pt to pull down pants: told him i will do a Foley, says “ok” and exposed penis.  

Highest white count: 30 (hmm this might change as well..)

Smallest anus: size of my pinky, on a baby

Lowest Na level: 108 (had a seizure right as we got the critical value from lab…sigh)

Fastest door-to-CT time: new neurologist from Alberta is efficient yo! 5 minutes and ready for CT. 

Largest foreign body in rectum: a lemon (not sure if this will change….are dildos bigger than lemons?)

(to be continued…)

Lessons of 2013


  1. The “love” you give to others is easily of the toxic infatuation variety if you don’t first love yourself.
  2. Challenge yourself with goals but don’t get obsessed with achievement for the sake of hoarding accomplishments.
  3. Be engaged and present.
  4. True strength of character is not compromised by…

Definitely trying to let go

Long time no update!

Today I had so much pain on the toilet from diarrhea, I sweated excessively, and felt dizzy for a good minute. My hands were tremoring and I was bradycardic.

All that friendship talk last night with people on my FB thread - some may be closer to me than others, I suspect - made me realize how far I’ve come in making humanly connections.

After being used by many, including who you consider to be your closest friends, and losing a friend through cancer, I have lost my strength to maintain friendships I cherish. I was blamed for over-playing my role, often times, so I must train myself to tone this down, against my instincts.

Not everyone is as giving as you expect in a friendship. Much like my weakness to lift my ass off my toilet as I feel my blood pressure drop, I feel weak in guarding beliefs I have no control over. I’ve always chosen to be active, take actions instead of just talking. I tried to maintain my friendship with others by continuing to share my life. In return, I’ve been disappointed too frequently. Especially when I notice the talkers, the actors, and the teary ones get more attention.

Disappointment sums up my feeling. Just this deep feeling of inability to change status quo with friends. I feel like if I’m drowning and the only one available to pull me up is my stuffed animals (because the bf is too far away and the paramedics are busy).

When did life come to this point?

Hold on tightly, let go lightly.

To thine own self be true

Dealing with the banality in people is a constant source of surprise, sadness and irony

Job offer accepted

So when North York General asked me to interview for an ER position, I asked to reschedule and was declined.  Well, I said no to the interview.  You don’t accommodate me, I don’t care about your offer.

Then London Health Sciences Center want me for ER part-time B position.  12 hours max a week? r u kidding me, how am i supposed to afford rent? So I said no.

Then on the day we said bye to Jess, I got the call from Trillium.  It’s an NGG position, and my interview time is in the afternoon, just the way I like it.  It also feels like Jess set it up for me, how can I decline.

Then I wrote my boards yesterday, and got another call from London, for a different position.  I don’t intend to interview there, so I said no.

Then I got a call after I got home, from Trillium.  I got the job, apparently I “impressed the panel”. (You mean, I remembered lactate for sepsis, and forgot blood cultures? haha..)

I accepted the offer.

No matter how tempting it is to say yes to the first job that waves at you, be generous and let it go, esp. if it isn’t right for you.  Even if it’s appealing, if it’s not right, let it go.  Same with people, let them go if necessary. Lesson and theme of the year I learned.

For when I am weak, then I am strong


(Source: s-gellar, via death-by-lulz)

Interview summary

was told out of 500 applicants i was lucky enough to be given an interview.

wow, felt like a mini-med school application..

could’ve done better explaining a fucking heart attack FUCK.

could’ve said BLOOD CULTURES for sepsis omg even after being prompted..

ahh well, first interview, doesn’t matter. :)

From Jess, something we can all learn about, and remind ourselves with, everyday

A year ago today I was diagnosed with a rare form of colon cancer and that day will forever be imprinted in my brain as my world stopped in its tracks. It still feels utterly surreal to me as I look back at the longest yet fastest; the worst and the best year of my life. Being diagnosed with cancer has changed my life on multitudes of levels and it has taught me many things that I would like to share with you. Maybe you will learn something from what I have been through but mostly, my wish for you is to embrace the wonderful life you were given and live each day to the fullest.

For starters, I’ve learned:
To Appreciate Life- I’ve realized that you never fully appreciate what you have until its gone. The things that I once thought were extremely important, I have realized are not more important than the remarkable people I have in my life. 
Cancer has taught me to LOVE and TRULY appreciate my family, for everything they are, everything they have done, and everything they continue doing for me on a daily basis. I would never have made it this far without them. They are my strength, my soulmates and human treasures. Love your family as deeply as you possibly can because they are the ones that would do absolutely anything for you and the ones that love you to the moon and back again. They would do anything to see you happy and healthy and will be there for you no matter what. No one will ever understand you or love you like these people do. Tell them every day that you love them and that you appreciate all that they are. Show them affection and express your love for them every opportunity you have. And never, ever take them for granted.

I appreciate my amazing friends who are a constant support system, thank you for always making me feel normal and letting me escape my world of cancer with laughter and love that each of you give to me so openly. Some people come into your life for a reason and through my journey I have met some of the most wonderful, giving, courageous people: my fellow cancer warriors. They have always known exactly what I am going through and always offer me constant support when I need it here and the beautiful one in heaven always watching over me- you have each touched my heart and inspired me in so many ways. Good friends are rare and if you are lucky to have them, never ever let them go. They are your outlet and your confidences. They are your shoulder to cry on, the ones you stay up all night laughing with. The ones who let you vent and know the right distractions you need at the right times. The ones who add extra rays of sunlight to your day. Let them know as much as possible how much you appreciate them in your life. 

I’ve learned to:
Take Each Day One Day at a Time- Every day offers new challenges and not every day is going to be great but like Alice Morse Earle once wrote, “Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” So start treating each day like a present and be thankful for it even if there are events that bring us down. When I was having a bad day my mom said to me, “You don’t have to be super woman everyday Jess, Ill wear the cape for you today.” The events of today may knock you down, allow others to help you back up and remember tomorrow is a fresh day with new opportunities. Treat each day like a gift. 

I’ve learned to:
Live a Life of Gratitude -Cancer is a humbling event, stripping one down to the naked core. It has made me truly grateful for simple things like sunsets, the smell of the spring air, the happy sound of my family’s laughter. When we stand to lose it all, it reminds us of all we have. Life is too short to dwell on the bad, especially since there is so much to be grateful for each day. Cancer has taught me that life is beautiful and the more you take the time to embrace it, the more you will appreciate the little things. 

I have learned to have: 
Faith in Humanity- The world is a better place than the evening news leads you to believe. By having compassionate care givers, feeling the love and hearing the concern of family, friends and community, and meeting so many others in the same position as me has reminded me that there are more good and wonderful people in this world than not. To my family, friends and community- you have all been a constant support to me through this journey and have offered so many words of encouragement and prayers, you have no idea how important you are to me. I want you to know that each of you have played an influential role in my journey through life. 

Ive also learned to:
Stand Up In What You Believe In- The main reason that I was diagnosed was because I listened to my body and advocated for myself when my doctors didn’t think it was something serious. Know your body, know what is normal for you. If something out of the ordinary happens then make sure you get it checked out. I don’t know what my life would be like today if I hadn’t stood up for myself. 

This quote by Harriet Morgan has always been one of my favourite quotes but after being diagnosed with cancer, it has a deeper meaning for me, “Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.” This quote reminds me that while I am going through this journey, I have to remember to laugh every day even though there are many reasons why I shouldn’t. To smile, even though I am scared and worried about my future and most of all to remember that God has a plan for me and even though at the moment it doesn’t make sense, it will all become clear someday.